How to Help a Friend Who is Forever Changed

March 1, 2015 my life changed forever. My father passed away suddenly. Up until that point, I thought that I had life all figured out. I didn’t have issues with depression or anxiety. I was a senior in college, just trying to live out my dreams. That all changed on that day.

Everyone came out to support my family but I still felt so alone. No one, who was close to my age and was my friend, had been through something like this in their life. I had put on this brave face, but inside I was just needing some advice on how to deal with everything.

Since my dad passed, there have been about 10 people who I’ve known that have lost their dad as a young woman. Some of these ladies have been people who are close to me. Others are simple Facebook friends. Each time that I’ve heard about these passings, my heart just goes back to what I felt on that day.

Honestly, even though I’ve been through this myself, it’s still tough to know what to do or say. However, I know that these 6 things have been helpful for me as I’ve learned to live without my dad. No matter if you’re a long time supporter or a first time supporter of someone who’s lost a loved one, try one of these steps, and you may find that your friendship will grow even stronger.

1. The first one is simple. ​Just be there for them. In the beginning, there’s going to be so much that is going to have to be done. From cleaning out their loved ones closet to picking out songs to play at their funeral. The best thing that you can do at that point, is to just drop by their house and sit with them spending time with them. When my dad passed, one of my friends showed up at my doorstep just to help me go through pictures for the slideshow. She didn’t ask how I was doing or what I needed, she just sat with me and her simply doing that made me appreciate her that much more!
2. Send them your thoughts - weeks, months, and even years later. It has always brought tears to my eyes when someone reaches out to me to let me know that they’re thinking of me during an anniversary, holiday, or whenever they feel I need to hear a word from them. It can get very lonely, when everyone goes back to their own ‘normal’ lives, when you’re trying to gain a new ‘normal’! When you have that feeling to reach out to your friend, do it. They’ll love you more for it!
3. Help them remember their loved one. This has been the most important thing that my friends have helped me do. When they simply let me talk about my dad and share memories with them, even though they may have never met him, it has helped that hole in my heart heal just a little more. It’s also been impactful when my friends have reminded me that my dad is watching over me. Through the anger and the grief it can be hard to remember. I truly believe that God has told my dad my path for life, and my dad is helping me to stay on that path. So when my friends help remind me that my dad has a husband picked out for me and that he is proud of me, it helps me heal just a little more.
4. Remember: your friend’s life has been forever changed. Well of course it has, their loved one is no longer in their life, but that’s not what I mean. It’s the way that they think about life. The way that they feel about those that they grow close to. They become more attached; wanting to know everything and to spend time with you because they know that in an instant everything can change. At other times, they become distant because they don’t want the hurt to come, when you’re no longer in their life. No matter the boundary, they’re just simply afraid of loosing you. Spending time, writing notes, sending messages, calling them are all ways to help your friend heal. Whatever is comfortable for you, reach out ot them, be there for them.
5. Current and future friends will be important to them. Each new step of life will be hard for them to face without their loved ones, so those that they spend those steps in their life with, will become people that they will keep close in their heart forever.
6. The last thing is to LOVE THEM! Love will help heal the hole in their heart.

Now, these are things that have helped me, it’s not an all encompassing way to help every friend, but perhaps one of these can help your friend begin the journey of healing, with your help!

​~ Shauna 💜